Psychotic love

Then why?
Why would you want to leave me?
Why would you go away at all?
You surrendered.
And you did with will and hope.
I promised to lead you and still do.
You promised to follow, my every command.
Like a wilful slave. Like the leaf to my branch. Like feather to my wing.
You agreed. You wanted to be lead. You wanted to be torn apart, into pieces that couldn’t be mended. You wanted to be crushed. To be owned. To be governed. You wanted to bleed. You wanted these wounds, didn’t you? You asked for them yourself. You wanted the pain and all the misery. Didn’t you my sweetheart?

Then why? Why my lady with grace, why would you want to think twice now? Why would you want to leave at all?
The leash was tight. Tight enough to not let you breathe freely. Tight enough to remind you that every part of you is owned by me.

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And that’s how you wanted it to be. Yeah, that’s how you desired! That’s how I’ve been taught to keep you satisfied. Yes, exactly like that. And I definitely did not make a mistake. Of course, mistakes are your part of the story. I was born to make decisions. Decisions of the kind which need no approval. Decisions which do not involve the well being of two but one. Because one is greater and must be allowed to treat the other in desired sense.

Then why would you leave when we were at the peak of your dreams. The dreams I knew you had. The submissions that you wanted. They were all in your hand. Tied up. Tight like your soul. But that’s exactly what you wanted! That’s what you desired.
Then why would you look at the flying birds when you wanted to be caught? And caged forever! Why would you want respect when you wanted to be punished? Why would you want love when you sobbed for being dominated?

Then why would you want to leave when you were locked in your favourite gold chains? The chains that I specifically designed for you. The chains that had hidden thorns on the insides which only you cauld feel. The world would always appreciated the beauty of the golden stones around your petite body but only you know the red, blistered marks beneath them. Then why would you want freedom when you loved to be commanded? Why would you be thirsty of water when I fed you enough of wine?

Then why my lady love? Why would you leave me when I was all you wanted? Why would you cheat me and break your part of the promise? Why would you die when all you wanted was to suffer. When all you deserved was to get pumped. All you were good for was to get tied up and beaten. All you could do was make mistakes and anger your god. I was so good to you my darling. Then why would you take the pills to die?

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Society: the well

A withered stoned well,

Rotten and deep.

From heaven to hell,

To make everything weep.
Miles and miles,

Reside impalpable.

Only the crying walls,

Tearing the untouchable.
Down there,

In disgust and squalor.

Thousands and thousands,

Of snakes wear pallor.
Poisonous and dark,

With hatred in their hearts.

Between the alive and dead,

For blood, their souls arc.
Tempting the wicked,

By their scavenging mouths.

Swallowing blood, putrid and corrupt,

No water from the south.
Those sucking mouthful grave,

To swallow a breath.

Are the winners,

Of this gambling quest.
The girl, bare feet,

Aware yet innocent.

Stands by the stinking well,

Shattered, can’t pay off the debt.
Trembling her hands,

For her lover awaits her presence.

Of misfortune and burden,

Can’t digest the essence.
Can’t walk to him,

Can’t lay in his arms.

Cause he is the son,

Of who has digested her farms.
He waits in her cottage,

To argue, to claim.

While she peeps in the well,

So rotten, so vain.
Beautiful were those,

Merry days of love.

When no one knew about,

Bonded hearts with invisible cuffs.
Nothing remains anymore,

Of the relations of past.

Except the snakes from before,

Craving water for their cast.
For all those who sin,

End up in the well.

By guilt or by hands,

Bloodless parched bodies swell.
No skin remains, no muscle,

No one chooses the well to die.

Yet when the lover runs to her,

She doesn’t bid a goodbye.
With tears in eyes,

And her letter in hands.

He stands speechless,

Overwhelming regret for all his plans.
Stand naked his words,

For the promises he couldn’t keep.

Couldn’t save her from the world or from himself,

All that’s left is to weep.
But the syndrome of life,

He no longer wishes to cure.

Jumps after her,

For the death could allure.
The ruthless snakes were priced delight,

Of the fresh blood of longing.

Them, with no urge to fight,

The upcoming belonging.
– Muskan.

It’s Time

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It’s time. Like everyday the clock has struck 1. But unlike everyday I cannot sleep.

I am tired, and it was a long day. My eyes feel the burden of hell and my body lifted the sky, my skin has been seared to the sun, yet sleep walks afar, the unknown, the un claimed road. I am running behind it, the faster my gait, the smokier it’s outline gets.

Something is killing me inside. Every inch, every fibre of me can feel it. Did I go wrong somewhere? Did I forget something? I did it all, as scheduled, yet I feel uneasy this time. It’s not the first time, though I am oblivion stricken withal I remember it. Every part, in every way.

I had to save her, but I couldn’t. Again. I failed. Again. She cried. Again. I tried. Again. Then lost. Again. Though she trusted me. Again. And I ran back to hold my loathing shattered pieces together. All over again.

I am tired of it, but I cannot abandon it. I hate it, yet cannot strand it. How can I ever separate my own self from me? Cause she dies everyday, every second, inside of me. She the moment she last breathed in my arms, since the very moment, I was left alone to sail a boat which already had a sinking deck. No island to surround. No destination to swim. Yet every past night I successfully deceived myself to the blinding clarity of moving on and forgetting but all I actually achieved was a hollowed soul, perishing deeper and deeper. Emptying my sordid body.

All I discovered is that forgetting you is like sinking into a void which had nothing but you. No land to step on, no water to quench, no air to suck in, only you.

But today that I learn to allow myself to accept it, accept the burning reality that it was no one else but me, me who did it all. It feels like I am allowing the fire to consume me when locked in a burning house. Like I am no longer desperate to open the windows and jump out. Cause it was me who set the fire after all. But I forgot that if I have to burn the house then I will be burnt inside it, alive. Like the house, you engulfed me inside of you, and I am no longer alive, cause I already died inside of you. I wish I never had let you fall for him and alas, I would have never poisoned you to death.

First Kiss

Everyday and every night for the past 13 years, it’s been you. The first time I saw you, I labeled myself to be your concussion. The first time we shared an umbrella under the pouring sky I was consumed by your cerulean eyes driving me into a turquoise dream.Since then I have envisioned our first kiss, and it became my most addictive hobby. Sometimes  under the dark bridge on a cold night, sometimes on my bitter velvet couch, sometimes on your soft  foam bed, maybe under a tree, or in an empty hall with my favourite melodies, on the swings, or on the mountain-top, under the showering flowers or behind the adorned curtains, or maybe under the same umbrella on a rainy night. But it never happened. Not until today, in a way far from my smitten imagination.

When I finally gathered the courage, unaware about the veiled future, innocent about the unraveled destiny, and smoldered over the feigning present, I could never see that you were the one gathering courage and not me.

Your lips weren’t soft as I dreamt them to be, there were no flowers, no curtains, no silence.Not any music, but only howls, cries and screams. Not pleasure but overwhelming tears. Your hands weren’t  strong but convulsing and bleeding. Turning my dream from turquoise to ruby, searing my desires. Eyes shut reflecting the unbearable pain.

The moment I found you was disguisedly the moment I lost you. A moment ago you stood straight on the road in front of my eyes  coming to escort me, unknown about the overpowering truck, and now you are bleeding in my lap.My hands holding your  fatigue body and my heart felt ruptured when you uttered “kiss me,” fathoming your love for me.

I kissed you to death on the loathing grey ground and the crying sunset. My first kiss was half you, and half your soulless sordid corpse. The kiss that I would never want to remember yet I can never forget. The kiss that will haunt me perennially everyday and every night. I never wanted to die, but I have always wanted to loose myself to the eternity which  took you away from me and pushed me into an inanimate life, no better than your mocking grave.